Words of Wisdom: Marriage

So yesterday, my question of the day to my F*cebook family and friends was the following:

QOTD for the married folks: what’s the best advice you were given about marriage? What’s the best advice you’ve given others? If you were married but aren’t now, what’s the greatest lesson you learned? Don’t be shy, speak up! 🙂

I thought I would share some of the answers, for those of you who didn’t get to see. Some really good stuff here. And I love that such a mixed group replied. Younger, older, newlyweds, married 26 years, black, white, women, men…but a lot of the same themes at the end of the day.

Enjoy! And feel free to add in the comments if you have any WOW.

“It’s easier to forgive when you realize how often you need to be forgiven. Sometimes you’re the one who needs grace & sometimes you’re the one who needs to give it.”

“Plan for the marriage and not just the wedding. Given to me: resolve problems in 24 hours. Don’t let things fester. Lesson learned: the true colors of others come out when people get married or die.”

“No grass is ever greener than your own. Unless you live in Georgia and then it’s pretty much always brown.”

“Learned: work out your finances together, making a plan. How much will you spend/save? Who will handle which bills? Oh, and are you going to finance it or save for it?”

“No one piece of advice will be a “silver bullet” to long lasting happiness in your marriage. But, I’d say the best advice for marriage is to make sure you’ve exhausted yourselves in the exploration of those things you cannot live with and those things you cannot live without. You have to have like values, standards and interests, or it will fail. To this end, know that the devil is in the details. So, talk about your expectations of, and vision for, your family. If you marry the right one, you can overcome ANY obstacle that may come.”

“Hug and kiss as much as you can. Always say “I love you” – especially when you don’t feel like it. It’s a reminder that you do. Always keep a record of what made you fall in love, you may have to glance at it every now and then.”

“All of what they said and s*x…lots and lots of s*x! 😛

“Both people should read “His Needs, Her Needs: Building An Affair-Proof Marriage” It’s a great book that outlines a lot of what was mentioned this morning. I read it…still waiting for my other half to read it tho…”

“I have found the single most important thing about staying together is to be committed to staying together. No matter what. Even when things are hard, seem impossible, etc. So mahy people don’t take marriage seriously. It seems that as soon as things get hard they just run. Also, we both are careful not to trash talk the other with our friends. The more you stay positive about your spouse even when things are hard, the more likely you are to feel positive about them.”

“Wow, some great advice!! I agree with all of this and say you must regard your marriage as an extension or addition to your family. In the same way you wouldn’t walk away from your mother, you must be committed to your spouse. Like mentioned above you must be devoted to the connection you share, daily work and actions to make sure you are honoring your love for the other person.”

“ I’ve learned and believe that your husband can be your best friend, but he’s not your girlfriend, so don’t expect the same responses…sometimes the same solutions but they process the same. Be forgiving and kind, honor your husband with kind words and support.”

“The best advice I ever got was “never go to bed mad.” Resolve everything before your head hits the pillow. That way, every day is a new day and a new adventure.”

“no lying. Not even “small” lies.”

“Make time for each other. Every single day. Even if it’s just five minutes of time alone or a few text messages you exchange throughout the day, don’t’ ever skip it. And don’t use that time to nag each other – use it to remind yourselves why you love each other. Laugh together more often than you’re mad at one another, and remember that no one is perfect – not him, and certainly not you. Reminding yourself of your own faults will give you some compassion and understanding for his. I think too often people forget to have fun in their marriage – they get bogged down in finances, and children, and exes, and jobs, and all the crap that daily lives bring down on them. This is what I’ve learned in my first horrible marriage, and the second wonderful one I have now. And remember, you always have a strong support system in your family and your friends.”

Laugh with each other. Forgive each other. Let the little things go.”

“It takes work. It’s work to nurture the marriage and not let it get stale. It’s work to compromise. It’s HARD work to let the little things go, but those little things can add up and become a huge thing if you let it. Never forget why you got married in the first place; this person is the one you love more than any other person in the world, and you just treat him/her that way!”

“In addition to what others have said, I think you truly have to be intentional about staying connected. It’s daily work.”

“The lesson I learned was don’t let fantasy cloud reality. To allow yourself to still be an individual but also know how to balance, when he needs you. Take care of the details, we get lost in the broad stoke of the picture, but marriage, love and growth are hidden in the details, Dont FORGET THE DETAILS!!! Speak your Truth, dont allow things to fester, its ok to agree to disagree. Always be aware of how you impact one anothers lives, f/ your decisions to the energy you in your home. Its ok to be wrong, and say your sorry and dont feel that you have to win. Continue to be each others Friend first. Last but not least, its great to get advice but keep other peoples opinions out of your relationship, even the friends w/ the Best intentions are speaking from Their Truth, their experiences not Yours.”

“If your husband is immature before you marry him don’t expect him to grow up because you married him. Some things you can’t change.”

“Best advice from my mom – keep your mouth shut & ya business to yourself. Pray hard & communicate

I’ve given – stop talking to me & tell your husband the same thing with that same passion

The funniest – let them think they are the boss & it was their idea. You will get whatever you want -my sister married 27 & counting lol”

“Don’t expect/hope you will change him or her. You either can put up with ‘whatever’, or not, and it’s not fair to anyone if you didn’t make that decision at the right time.
The best I’ve gotten (and FAIL at following) – is it more important to be happy, or to be right? I just can’t stand being wrong….. lmao”

“The best advice… Hmmm… I got much advice… Maybe I can make you laugh…The same things you did going in keep doing them and do them better, laugh a lot, cry together….remember you are only being introduced to the representative…so sleep with your eyes wide open…. Never take each other for granted.. Marriage is not 50 50 it’s 100 on both parts…. And sometimes you gotta go along to get along because happiness does not mean you are right ( even when you are) …. Hope this helps… Been at 26 years… making it do what it Do! Best wishes to you both.”

“What great advice by everyone. Advice given to me….communicate, communicate, and communicate and be willing to forgive. My advice…live, laugh, and love! You guys already do a great job at that so it’ll come easy. I have a friend that tells me I should be submissive at all times. Say what? LOL!”

“Communication is key. Make sure you have a strong foundation of trust, honesty& respect. Without a foundation, it wont work. Take time for you & understand yall both need to keep ” dating” each other. Make sex the priority, not the alternative LOL”

“You can never beat him enough! Naw. But I think the best thing to realize is that there is no fairy tale ending. You will have fights. And there may be times you dislike your partner. But you have to be willing to WORK at keeping your marriage together (and that doesn’t mean it has to be hard, just that you have to put in the effort even if you don’t want to).”

Brain Dump

  • 7 days and counting! Final details are coming together. Even some things I hadn’t expected, like my brother in law paying for the cake and my sis paying for my shoes. My supervisor asked me if I needed more days off. I’m half tempted to take him up on it.
  • I am ashamed at how much I haven’t been exercising. And how much ice cream I’ve been eating. Sigh.
  • I don’t want to swim this week, since I’m getting my hair styled on Sunday. But I swear I’m back on it after 10/29 is over.
  • I thought one of my blog friends mentioned a web site for newly wed brides, to help us facilitate changing our last names. Which one of y’all was it? I need it.
  • I’m so not into this debate tonight. I’m sorry. I’m ready for election season to be over. No matter who wins we’re still trying to recover.
  • Love the size of our new bedroom. Hate that it’s always colder than the rest of the house. The living room and kitchen get afternoon sun, so it’s blazing in there when I come home from work. And CH will be sitting there in the sweltering heat instead of opening a window. *facepalm*
  • I’ve been watching my Will & Grace DVDs on the evenings. I love the one where Jack meets Cher after he’s been carrying around his Cher doll. I think my favorite is when a jack is stalking Kevin Bacon. Priceless.
  • I’m losing the battle with attempting to keep my nails polished.
  • I’m aggravated with people not knowing how to RSVP. If you get an evite, click yes, no, or maybe. It’s really not rocket science.
  • Apparently the different units at my job are having a pumpkin decorating contest and dressing up on Friday. I told my supervisor I’ll pass on that showcase.
  • I’m going to try and break out all my sweaters this weekend and reorganize my closet. “Try” being the operative word here.

This.

I’m sharing a FB status from one of the stylists at RevolutionEGO (with her permission, of course). It sums up everything I feel about saying “I Do” to HH:

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This. All day long. 🙂

Keeping Secrets

People want to know why we haven’t told everyone the wedding details. There are a few different reasons:

  1. We know what we want.
  2. I’ve found, in the past, that people have tried to talk me out of things when I revealed details. For whatever reason…maybe they didn’t agree, or thought it was a bad idea. Weddings are a pretty big deal and everyone has an idea of what they feel is right or wrong for you. Ultimately you know what’s best for you.

  3. Debbie Downers and Grumple Stiltkins.
  4. I’m sure you’ve had this happen before. You come up with an idea and you’re really psyched about it. Along comes someone who looks down upon your idea and sh*ts on it, much like a pigeon at Central Park. “Oh, I guess that’s alright.” Or, “yeah, I guess that’s cute.” I might be wearing stripes and plaid but if that’s what I want to wear, then so be it! I don’t need anybody putting down my choices. Not like I’m going to change my mind, anyway. LOL!

  5. Everybody has ideas.
    That’s good, if you’ve asked for them. Usually we have not. I only have a few people I like to consult with, because I know they will keep it real and they know how to communicate with me. That’s my support system.
  6. Surprise is good!
    Sometimes it’s just good to see things after the fact and enjoy the effect of the whole event put together. 🙂 When we post everything you’ll get to see what we wore, what my wedding band looks like, and who we shared the day with.

So that’s it, in a nutshell. Not because we think we’re special or anything like that. Just avoiding unnecessary drama/strife. Trust me when I say, it’s killing me softly not to share with everyone. LOL!

In Today’s Random News

  • Yesterday, I bought a tv stand and put it together. I was halfway through when I realized some idiot had tried to put this together previously, did it wrong, and took it back to Walmart. And then those idiots taped the box and put it on the shelf. Sigh. I just went on and put it together, but it has some holes where they shouldn’t be.
  • CH likes to ask me a lot of random questions. Well, maybe not random to him, but they come out of left field for me. The other day he must’ve been watching something about transplant surgery on tv, and he asked me why they put hearts in cold water during transplants. *crickets* Son, I have no idea. LOL! Then he asked me if inmates can sue people from jail. This kid here. Then he wanted to know what I knew about his upcoming surgery to remove his keloid scar. Mind you, HH went to the doctor with him, not me. I’m changing my name to Encyclopedia Brown, because he clearly thinks I know a lot more than I do. LOL! Single Ma said I should look at it as a good thing that he’s comfy talking to me, so I will.
  • I wish I could put a wedding countdown widget on here, but we’re not revealing on social media until its done. Family, and a few close friends, know the date.
  • Today I went to NY & Co to use a coupon and was pissed because I’m still in bewteen sizes. Was feeling down and not at all happy with what was staring back at me from the mirror. Then “Moves Like Jagger” came on the store sound system and I giggled and started feeling better. That’s HH’s song. I got the image of him dancing around in my head and I sang along and went out and picked out the bigger sized pants I needed.
  • my supervisor got busted for wearing sneakers on a day that was not Friday. LOL! So he decided that we probably should act like we’ve read the dress code. I now have to change clothes after PT. Glad I’m down to once per week.
  • All the walls on the rental house are painted this color called “Marigold” (I found the paint buckets in the garage). At first I thought it was stupid that they’d consider this a neutral, and wondered why they didn’t go with white or beige. Then I looked around and realized our décor matches up perfectly with it.
  • I’m looking forward to changing my last name after we get married…Even if the actual process is probably a huge pain. No hyphens for me.
  • The other day, HH was sitting on the love seat. He motioned for me to come over, gave me a kiss and told me that he’s happy. That made me happy.
  • I’m thinking I should’ve given myself a longer break before starting this next CPCU course. Oops.
  • Did not like the Steel Magnolias remake. Give me Sally Field and Shirley MacLaine.