Words of Wisdom: Marriage

So yesterday, my question of the day to my F*cebook family and friends was the following:

QOTD for the married folks: what’s the best advice you were given about marriage? What’s the best advice you’ve given others? If you were married but aren’t now, what’s the greatest lesson you learned? Don’t be shy, speak up! 🙂

I thought I would share some of the answers, for those of you who didn’t get to see. Some really good stuff here. And I love that such a mixed group replied. Younger, older, newlyweds, married 26 years, black, white, women, men…but a lot of the same themes at the end of the day.

Enjoy! And feel free to add in the comments if you have any WOW.

“It’s easier to forgive when you realize how often you need to be forgiven. Sometimes you’re the one who needs grace & sometimes you’re the one who needs to give it.”

“Plan for the marriage and not just the wedding. Given to me: resolve problems in 24 hours. Don’t let things fester. Lesson learned: the true colors of others come out when people get married or die.”

“No grass is ever greener than your own. Unless you live in Georgia and then it’s pretty much always brown.”

“Learned: work out your finances together, making a plan. How much will you spend/save? Who will handle which bills? Oh, and are you going to finance it or save for it?”

“No one piece of advice will be a “silver bullet” to long lasting happiness in your marriage. But, I’d say the best advice for marriage is to make sure you’ve exhausted yourselves in the exploration of those things you cannot live with and those things you cannot live without. You have to have like values, standards and interests, or it will fail. To this end, know that the devil is in the details. So, talk about your expectations of, and vision for, your family. If you marry the right one, you can overcome ANY obstacle that may come.”

“Hug and kiss as much as you can. Always say “I love you” – especially when you don’t feel like it. It’s a reminder that you do. Always keep a record of what made you fall in love, you may have to glance at it every now and then.”

“All of what they said and s*x…lots and lots of s*x! 😛

“Both people should read “His Needs, Her Needs: Building An Affair-Proof Marriage” It’s a great book that outlines a lot of what was mentioned this morning. I read it…still waiting for my other half to read it tho…”

“I have found the single most important thing about staying together is to be committed to staying together. No matter what. Even when things are hard, seem impossible, etc. So mahy people don’t take marriage seriously. It seems that as soon as things get hard they just run. Also, we both are careful not to trash talk the other with our friends. The more you stay positive about your spouse even when things are hard, the more likely you are to feel positive about them.”

“Wow, some great advice!! I agree with all of this and say you must regard your marriage as an extension or addition to your family. In the same way you wouldn’t walk away from your mother, you must be committed to your spouse. Like mentioned above you must be devoted to the connection you share, daily work and actions to make sure you are honoring your love for the other person.”

“ I’ve learned and believe that your husband can be your best friend, but he’s not your girlfriend, so don’t expect the same responses…sometimes the same solutions but they process the same. Be forgiving and kind, honor your husband with kind words and support.”

“The best advice I ever got was “never go to bed mad.” Resolve everything before your head hits the pillow. That way, every day is a new day and a new adventure.”

“no lying. Not even “small” lies.”

“Make time for each other. Every single day. Even if it’s just five minutes of time alone or a few text messages you exchange throughout the day, don’t’ ever skip it. And don’t use that time to nag each other – use it to remind yourselves why you love each other. Laugh together more often than you’re mad at one another, and remember that no one is perfect – not him, and certainly not you. Reminding yourself of your own faults will give you some compassion and understanding for his. I think too often people forget to have fun in their marriage – they get bogged down in finances, and children, and exes, and jobs, and all the crap that daily lives bring down on them. This is what I’ve learned in my first horrible marriage, and the second wonderful one I have now. And remember, you always have a strong support system in your family and your friends.”

Laugh with each other. Forgive each other. Let the little things go.”

“It takes work. It’s work to nurture the marriage and not let it get stale. It’s work to compromise. It’s HARD work to let the little things go, but those little things can add up and become a huge thing if you let it. Never forget why you got married in the first place; this person is the one you love more than any other person in the world, and you just treat him/her that way!”

“In addition to what others have said, I think you truly have to be intentional about staying connected. It’s daily work.”

“The lesson I learned was don’t let fantasy cloud reality. To allow yourself to still be an individual but also know how to balance, when he needs you. Take care of the details, we get lost in the broad stoke of the picture, but marriage, love and growth are hidden in the details, Dont FORGET THE DETAILS!!! Speak your Truth, dont allow things to fester, its ok to agree to disagree. Always be aware of how you impact one anothers lives, f/ your decisions to the energy you in your home. Its ok to be wrong, and say your sorry and dont feel that you have to win. Continue to be each others Friend first. Last but not least, its great to get advice but keep other peoples opinions out of your relationship, even the friends w/ the Best intentions are speaking from Their Truth, their experiences not Yours.”

“If your husband is immature before you marry him don’t expect him to grow up because you married him. Some things you can’t change.”

“Best advice from my mom – keep your mouth shut & ya business to yourself. Pray hard & communicate

I’ve given – stop talking to me & tell your husband the same thing with that same passion

The funniest – let them think they are the boss & it was their idea. You will get whatever you want -my sister married 27 & counting lol”

“Don’t expect/hope you will change him or her. You either can put up with ‘whatever’, or not, and it’s not fair to anyone if you didn’t make that decision at the right time.
The best I’ve gotten (and FAIL at following) – is it more important to be happy, or to be right? I just can’t stand being wrong….. lmao”

“The best advice… Hmmm… I got much advice… Maybe I can make you laugh…The same things you did going in keep doing them and do them better, laugh a lot, cry together….remember you are only being introduced to the representative…so sleep with your eyes wide open…. Never take each other for granted.. Marriage is not 50 50 it’s 100 on both parts…. And sometimes you gotta go along to get along because happiness does not mean you are right ( even when you are) …. Hope this helps… Been at 26 years… making it do what it Do! Best wishes to you both.”

“What great advice by everyone. Advice given to me….communicate, communicate, and communicate and be willing to forgive. My advice…live, laugh, and love! You guys already do a great job at that so it’ll come easy. I have a friend that tells me I should be submissive at all times. Say what? LOL!”

“Communication is key. Make sure you have a strong foundation of trust, honesty& respect. Without a foundation, it wont work. Take time for you & understand yall both need to keep ” dating” each other. Make sex the priority, not the alternative LOL”

“You can never beat him enough! Naw. But I think the best thing to realize is that there is no fairy tale ending. You will have fights. And there may be times you dislike your partner. But you have to be willing to WORK at keeping your marriage together (and that doesn’t mean it has to be hard, just that you have to put in the effort even if you don’t want to).”

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10 thoughts on “Words of Wisdom: Marriage

  1. Love most of these! I disagree about not going to bed angry – I see no need to argue AND be tired, but that’s just me. Actually, now that I think about it, many of our disagreements have been “resolved” ’cause I rolled over and went to sleep. 🙂

    My standard piece of advice is: your marriage is your marriage. It doesn’t have to – nor should it – resemble another couple’s marriage. If something works for y’all, it works for y’all – let it be. People are quick to tell others what they would/wouldn’t do – but it’s not their relationship so….

    Anyhoo, congratulations – so happy for and excited for you!!

  2. I was going to say exactly what Nerd Girl said. Someone told me before marriage that there is no shame in going to bed mad. Just make sure you kiss and say I love you, but sometimes sleeping it off is the best cure for the problem. I’ve only been married for 83 days, but we’ve already tried out the sleeping it off and it worked.

    Though it’s said for many reasons, I find the advice “Keep God First” to be the best I’ve ever heard. Prayer enlightens and motivates, and praying together is magical.

    Congratulations!

  3. As a woman with a smart mouth and even sharper tongue, I would say endeavor to build up your husband and not tear him down. I have learned that men are more sensitive than we women realize and that harsh words from the woman that they love can cut very deep.

    • This is true. I have learned that as well, and I’m trying to develop more patience and learn to be silent and contemplate my words instead of just blurting the out. Work in progress!

  4. Congratulations Cassandra! I hope you are a very happy couple!

    I’ve been married 24 years, and I guess I would say to:
    1) Give each other space! You have to have your friends, and he has to have his friends. You don’t have to like his friends, and he doesn’t have to like yours.
    2) Don’t expect the spouse to “complete” you. Husbands are just people and they can’t be 100% exactly what you’d like. If you need a friend who understands women issues, then talk to a woman friend about it. Husbands don’t understand a bunch of woman issues like women do. One guy cannot replace all of the variety of support you get from other people in your life.
    3) Married people have ups and downs. There were certain much happier years and certain very aggravating years, but overall we had various chances to show our loyalty to each other in tough circumstances, which I think was very important.

    Have fun. I think it is so much more fun to be married than single–always someone around to do something with or just eat chips together when watching t.v.

    🙂 Marion

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