Do you believe you can speak things into existence? That what you put out into the universe comes back to you? I do. So, I try my hardest not to fumble forth with tons of negative statements every day.
HH and I both love hard. In the 2+ years before we got married, we talked about it often. From issues in our past and what we had done to correct them, to how we saw our future and how we want to be pushing each other around in wheelchairs at 85. LOL!
Yes, there are lots of environmental factors that can affect a marriage, but we have vowed to work through those as best we can.
I always tell him (and myself): there’s no backwards jumping over the broom to get a divorce.
I can look back over relationships prior to him, where I was dealing with my own pain/issues, and not at all equipped to be in a relationship. Yesterday, I was on FB and someone posted a link to an article that was so good, I’ve read it 3-4 times and found myself nodding and saying “yes!” out loud many times.
The article is entitled Until Death Do Us Part: 8 Reasons For Marital Failure Amongst African Americans, written by Dr. Umar Abdullah-Johnson, Psy.D., NCSP, M.Ed.
I definitely encourage you to read it in full, no matter what your relationship status but I’ll hit some of the highlights here.
The 8 reasons are listed as the following:
- SEARCHING FOR SECURITY: UNMET EMOTIONAL NEEDS FROM CHILDHOOD
- SELF-HATRED: LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO LOVE YOU
- MATERIALISM MELTDOWN: BUYING HAPPINESS
- ESCAPING MISERY: LOOKING FOR A WAY OUT OF YOUR PAIN
- POST-TRAUMATIC RELATIONSHIP DISORDER: THE GHOST OF RELATIONSHIPS PAST
- TYRANNY OF YOUR INNER CHILD: THE PAIN BODY EXPERIENCE
- WE DON’T HAVE ANYTHING IN COMMON: THE CLASH OF VALUES
- BLENDING THE UNBLENDABLE FAMILY: YOUR CHILDREN OR OUR CHILDREN
At face value, they may look strange, or you may not agree, but once you read his explanations under each, things fall into place.
For instance, under the ghost of relationships past, he says:
“Anyone who cannot be alone long enough to develop a relationship with themselves can never build a happy one with another person.”
“We always hear talk about the need for dietary fasting and spiritual fasting, but now is the time for me to introduce the concept of relationship fasting. Yes, a period of NON-DATING, that should last at least a season (3 months) before you infect some innocent person’s life with the negative energy of a past relationship. Just as with all traumas, you need time to re-stabilize your inner self and regain a sense of reality. When you don’t give yourself TIME OFF from forging new romantic attachments you risk spoiling what otherwise would have been a perfectly good relationship with your psychic baggage from your previous love(s). You are not able to trust, love, commit, reciprocate and be emotionally available for fear that he or she may be a rendition of the previous failed partnership. If you are still afraid, that means you are still suffering the aftershocks of post-traumatic relationship disorder, and should not be dating. This is one of the biggest problems with relationships in our community, as too many of us are spiritually infected with the unhealthy energies of past encounters, not to mention still in love with previous partners, thusly wasting the time of an innocent person who has healthy relationship needs that you are not able to fulfill since you are still preoccupied with someone who is no longer in your life, or shouldn’t be. You have to get over your past in order to get on with your life. There is a season for everything, including a time to heal.” (emphasis mine)
There are so many more nuggets in this article. I think they can apply to all relationships, but I also think our community has a disproportionate problem with this.
What do you think? Let me know.