Day 16: Body Language

Your opinion about your body and how comfortable you are with it.

Sigh. The thing is, I’d absolutely LOVE to have THIS body back:

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That’s the half marathon body. The size 6 that I made my way back to completely by accident. How I stumbled into training for a half because I ran into my old supervisor at the greenway, and she and some friends were training for one. How one day I went shopping at Ny & Co and could fit a size 6 pair of pants…a size I hadn’t seen since college.

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How we had no real training or dietary program, other than running 4-5 times a week. And yet, the pounds just fell off and stayed off.

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Until the injuries kicked in. First it was the plantar fasciitis, which kicked in at the most inopportune time. I was finally running consistent 9:30-9:45 pace. That’s not fast by any means, but considering I started up in the 13s, I was quite ecstatic. My feelings were so hurt when I decided to take a running break in September 2010 to give myself time to heal. I figured I’d rest from running, do other cardio, and pick it back up in January.

That didn’t happen.

What did happen was my maternal grandmother dying on 10/23/10 and my dad dying on 11/12/10. Funeral planning, stress eating, and looking back now, what I can identify as depression. The knee injury that started at a bowling outing in NY. Clothes I took to NY at the beginning of November, I could not fit into by the time I left NY.

Everybody said, “oh it’s just stress weight. You’ll lose that when things calm down.”

Nope.

Every other time I’ve set out to get in shape, it hasn’t been an issue. This time, my body is not cooperating. I don’t know if it’s a function of being almost 40, or what. I probably work out more/harder than I ever did before. I stress about food. Calories, fat, carbs…am I getting enough, am I getting too much? Did I drink enough eater today? What does the scale say?

Right now, I’m mad at my body. I don’t want to be happy with THIS body. On the one hand, I have more curves than I ever had before…the curves I used to wish for in high school. Go figure! But, I would rather be a curvy size 8 than a curvy 10/12. I want to go back to the days of working out 3x a week and seeing results. Not doing an hour of cardio 4x per week and weight training and maybe losing half a pound. In a month. O_o

I want my knee to get back to normal. I want to exercise without pain/soreness that exceeds a normal tolerance. I want to get back to running again, for fun. When I run, I’m more cognizant of what/how I eat. It’s hard to explain, but that’s how it works.

I don’t wanna stand in my closet and wonder if something is going to fit. I want to know that everything in there fits.

At this point, I’m not comfortable. And I don’t want to be. Does that make sense? I don’t want to see a super round, chubby face looking back at me from pics. I want to be in sync with my body again. I don’t want to concede to a life of pain and extra weight.

I’ll have to figure out something. I know I can get there.

And let me just say, I recognize that there are folks bigger than me, who have had more weight struggles, etc. I get that. This is just MY struggle. My disappointment. I work on it and through it every day.

So, if you happen to struggle with injuries or weight loss, I feel some portion of your pain. Trust me.

For now, this is where I am:

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Where I’ll be in the future? Not sure. Maybe this really is my new “about to be 40” body and I just have to deal with it for a minute. If it comes to that point, then I’ll just work on being comfortable, and keeping the rest of my numbers at a healthy level (cholesterol, blood pressure, etc.).

I guess I’m glad my struggle is to look like how *I* used to look, as opposed to the images of other women in magazines. I’m not trying to be a supermodel. For me, that’s a bit of a silver lining. I’ll take it.

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7 thoughts on “Day 16: Body Language

  1. I totally understand how you feel. It’s a struggle to be comfy with yourself while disliking your body. When I look back on my pics from 2008, I get frustrated at how I let myself go. But I don’t get too down on myself because, like you said, I’m doing more with slower results. So I focus on my health more than my weight.

    • That’s exactly it…I almost hate looking at photos from 2009, because it seems so unattainable. I’m definitely not throwing in the towel, just hit this frustration every now and then. And when I finish this, I’m off to the gym…lol

  2. Our struggles absolutely are our own. Period. While I think you are absolutely gorgeous as you are, I understand the personal struggle and the pressures we put on ourselves to be or even just feel a certain way. We’re always our own worst enemies.

    I struggle a lot with body image stuff (find me a woman who doesn’t! You can easily find someone who says she doesn’t, but I’d call bs on that in a heartbeat), but I’ve worked hard over the past 18 months to just accept myself and make healthier decisions in the process. It’s worked. I’m not a size 6, but I no longer hate my 12. As you know the battle is mostly mental.

  3. Its a mental struggle. You can get comfortable with yourself the way you are and still work on changing things. I think that’ll make it much easier for your head to understand what you want your body to do.

    There are things about my body that I could change but truthfully I love me just the way I am. I AM comfortable in my own skin and if I decide that I want to change something, I’ll work toward that goal. Point is, it’ll happen for you because that’s what you want, just don’t stress yourself about it.

  4. I completely relate. I’m not even striving to get back to my age 30 Hawaii weight (remember that) but something that’s more comfortable to me and makes me feel better about how I look. But I also relate to trying to get into running and then being sidetracked by injuries (pain in my arches and then my knee issues). I was excited to start that training for a 5K and soon as i started taking it seriously, my body fell apart, lol. AND it’s frustrating to me that I can work for months to lose a few pounds then gain twice that back during a one week vacation. Without starting my own blog on your comments, I’m saying “I feel ya!”

  5. LOL face it man you are getting older 🙂 *ok you didn’t want to hear that*.. but take it from me.. a nearly 40 something who just gave birth 9 mos ago.. IT AIN’T EASY PLAYA!!! Once we turn 30 our bodies go through this change.. and when you hit 35.. *clay davis voice* sheeeeiiiiiitttttt it just repositions itself.. you look like your smaller but when you get on that scale.. BAM! lol

    I know and understand your struggle.. I’m there daily.. but I’m learning to accept things.. because as you said worry about health.. just had my physical and when my #s came back lower I did the dance!!!!

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