Your opinion about your body and how comfortable you are with it.
Sigh. The thing is, I’d absolutely LOVE to have THIS body back:
That’s the half marathon body. The size 6 that I made my way back to completely by accident. How I stumbled into training for a half because I ran into my old supervisor at the greenway, and she and some friends were training for one. How one day I went shopping at Ny & Co and could fit a size 6 pair of pants…a size I hadn’t seen since college.
How we had no real training or dietary program, other than running 4-5 times a week. And yet, the pounds just fell off and stayed off.
Until the injuries kicked in. First it was the plantar fasciitis, which kicked in at the most inopportune time. I was finally running consistent 9:30-9:45 pace. That’s not fast by any means, but considering I started up in the 13s, I was quite ecstatic. My feelings were so hurt when I decided to take a running break in September 2010 to give myself time to heal. I figured I’d rest from running, do other cardio, and pick it back up in January.
That didn’t happen.
What did happen was my maternal grandmother dying on 10/23/10 and my dad dying on 11/12/10. Funeral planning, stress eating, and looking back now, what I can identify as depression. The knee injury that started at a bowling outing in NY. Clothes I took to NY at the beginning of November, I could not fit into by the time I left NY.
Everybody said, “oh it’s just stress weight. You’ll lose that when things calm down.”
Every other time I’ve set out to get in shape, it hasn’t been an issue. This time, my body is not cooperating. I don’t know if it’s a function of being almost 40, or what. I probably work out more/harder than I ever did before. I stress about food. Calories, fat, carbs…am I getting enough, am I getting too much? Did I drink enough eater today? What does the scale say?
Right now, I’m mad at my body. I don’t want to be happy with THIS body. On the one hand, I have more curves than I ever had before…the curves I used to wish for in high school. Go figure! But, I would rather be a curvy size 8 than a curvy 10/12. I want to go back to the days of working out 3x a week and seeing results. Not doing an hour of cardio 4x per week and weight training and maybe losing half a pound. In a month.
I want my knee to get back to normal. I want to exercise without pain/soreness that exceeds a normal tolerance. I want to get back to running again, for fun. When I run, I’m more cognizant of what/how I eat. It’s hard to explain, but that’s how it works.
I don’t wanna stand in my closet and wonder if something is going to fit. I want to know that everything in there fits.
At this point, I’m not comfortable. And I don’t want to be. Does that make sense? I don’t want to see a super round, chubby face looking back at me from pics. I want to be in sync with my body again. I don’t want to concede to a life of pain and extra weight.
I’ll have to figure out something. I know I can get there.
And let me just say, I recognize that there are folks bigger than me, who have had more weight struggles, etc. I get that. This is just MY struggle. My disappointment. I work on it and through it every day.
So, if you happen to struggle with injuries or weight loss, I feel some portion of your pain. Trust me.
For now, this is where I am:
Where I’ll be in the future? Not sure. Maybe this really is my new “about to be 40” body and I just have to deal with it for a minute. If it comes to that point, then I’ll just work on being comfortable, and keeping the rest of my numbers at a healthy level (cholesterol, blood pressure, etc.).
I guess I’m glad my struggle is to look like how *I* used to look, as opposed to the images of other women in magazines. I’m not trying to be a supermodel. For me, that’s a bit of a silver lining. I’ll take it.